Style Conversational Week 1091: The good/bad and inky; The Empress of The Style Invitational chews over the week's new contest and results Washington Post Blogs September 25, 2014 Thursday 5:48 PM EST Copyright 2014 The Washington Post All Rights Reserved Length: 1378 words Byline: Pat Myers Body Happy New Year, everyone. It's a Mini-Convo this week because along with doing the Empressing thing, I'm also the person at our little synagogue in Central Goyishe, Md., who's in charge of organizing the Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur services. So I'm writing this in advance, between services, and hope the auto-publish function of the "content management system" Methode, The Post's second most snarled-at entity this week, worked better this time than it did back in April, when I went on vacation and had to make it all work from my B&B room in Oxford, England. I was surprised that the Invitational hadn't repeated the good-idea/bad-idea contest of Week 105, since the results were so memorable: When I mentioned to my predecessor, the Czar, that I was doing this contest again for Week 1091, the C immediately quoted me the winning entry from 19 years ago, about the kids' party, from memory. (At least I think it's the first time we're repeating this contest; I searched Elden Carnahan's indispensable Master Contest List for "idea"; out of 34 mentions, only Week 105 mentioned good/bad. If it slipped in sometime over the years without "idea" in the name or description, welp, we're doing the contest anyway.) How "slight" are "slight changes in wording"? Slight enough to be funny and interesting, as in the first set of results. I'm going to show the Week 105 results right here, because some coding problem caused the entries in the archived version to run togetther in a nigh-unintelligible blob. Report from Week 105, in which we asked for good idea-bad idea scenarios. But first we wish to once again protest a torrent of crude jokes from people who seem to think this contest dwells in the gutter. Please be advised that the Style Invitational will never stoop to rewarding sophomoric, adolescent humor. Fifth Runner-Up: Good idea: Shampoo. Bad idea: Shampoop. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Fourth Runner-Up: Good idea: Wash hands after using toilet. Bad idea: Wash hands using toilet. (Jay Snyder, Chantilly) Third Runner-Up: Good idea: Taking back the streets of Washington, D.C. Bad idea: Taking the back streets of Washington, D.C. (Steve Hazelton, Reston) Second Runner-Up: Good idea: Have a documentary on the civil rights movement narrated by James Earl Jones. Bad idea: Have a documentary on the civil rights movement narrated by James Earl Ray. (Jerry A. Pohl, Rockville) the week's new contest and results First Runner-Up: Good idea: In business meetings, express yourself. Bad idea: In business meetings, express your milk. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) And the winner of "Standing Firm" autographed by Dan Quayle: Good idea: Showing pictures of your kids at a private party. Bad idea: Showing pictures of your privates at a kids' party. (Ira Moskowitz, Lanham) Honorable Mentions: Good Idea: Purchase a dog at the pound. Bad idea: Purchase dog by the pound. (Patrick G. White, Taneytown) Good idea: Saving the spotted owls. Bad idea: Saving the spotted owls in little plastic baggies in your freezer. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Good idea: Picking up a cent on the sidewalk. Bad idea: Picking up a scent on the sidewalk. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Good idea: Getting into Wharton after high school. Bad idea: Getting into Lorton after high school. (Beryl Benderly, Washington) Good idea: Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country. Bad idea: Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for Iraq. (Dave Zarrow, Herndon) Good idea: Drive right, pass left. Bad idea: Drive right past cop. (Kevin Mellema, Falls Church) Good idea: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Bad idea: Let he who is without insurance pass the first stone. (Rich Milauskas, Laurel) [Oops - should have been "Let HIM who..."] Good idea: Presenting fresh, shiny faces to the teacher each morning. Bad idea: Presenting fresh, shiny feces to the teacher each morning. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Good idea: Take pride in your work. Bad idea: Take pride in your wart. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac) Bad Idea: Clinton, Gore in '96. Good idea: Clinton, gone in '96. (David Clayton Carrad, Hockessin, Del.) Good idea: Shopping at Food Lion. Bad idea: Being lion food. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel) Good idea: Pose for Playboy while you can. Bad idea: Pose for Playboy on the can. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Good idea: Calling your mother. Bad idea: Calling "You mutha!" (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) Good idea: Cultivating a staff of competent workers among your underlings. Bad idea: cultivating a staphylococcus among your under-things. (Mike Sharkey, Washington) Good idea: Acquire a foreign tongue. Bad idea: Acquire a foreign tongue in your wedding reception line. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Good idea: Getting great marks because of your class in "The Social Structure." Bad idea: Getting grate marks because of your class in the social structure. (Tom Albert, Alexandria) Good idea: Yearly mammograms over 50. Bad idea: Over 50 mammograms yearly. (Leslie Marshall and bridge buds, Bethesda) And Last: the week's new contest and results Good idea: Post humor contest winners. Bad idea: Posthumous contest winners. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel) Wow, great week. Note that the list of Losers include four who would end up in the Hall of Fame, with more than 500 blots of ink each: Chuck Smith, Jennifer Hart, Russell Beland and Elden Carnahan. Plus there's 333-time Loser Dave Zarrow. Aah, you can top those guys. And youse guys, you can top yourselves. *Alternative-headline entry by Beverley Sharp It was something of a slog to judge this contest, which asked for novel course catalogue descriptions. I really do, as promised, read every entry I receive, but when I get to a numbered list of 25 entries, each of them pushing 100 words, and the first dozen haven't shown me anything I 'd want to give a prize to -well, I might not muse as deeply as usual on Entries 13 through 25. But as I observe most weeks, once the chaff is tossed, the wheat can make a pretty yeasty Invite loaf. Or at least a few crackers to nibble. For the second week in a row, we had no First Offenders among the inking entries, but a number of occasional (if longtime) Losers aced this week's final. One who doesn't fall into the "occasional" group is Frank Osen, whose evocation of Every Student's Nightmare (well, mine, repeatedly, for perhaps 30 years) earns him his sixth Inkin' Memorial -yes, all his wins date from the post-Inker era (since mid-2012) - as well as Ink No. 116. The bag of scarlet caterpillar fungus from the Beijing Walmart goes to John Glenn, the earthbound Texan who since Week 684 has dabbled in Loserdom with great care: In a typical week, John will send in one or two entries, then later will resubmit one of them a few days hence with small but significant improvements. The thoroughness has paid off: In his 34 blots of ink since 2006, John has placed "above the fold" eight times. Meanwhile, it's the first time above the fold -and just the second blot of ink -for Dan McMahon, who knows from students: He's the principal of DeMatha High, one of the D.C. area's premier Catholic schools. His students -all boys -will surely be so proud to see Dr. McMahon attain this high honor, along with his choice of Loser Mug or Whole Fools Grossery Bag. And it's also the first ATF for Margaret Welsh, after 11 honorable mentions over the years, since Week 397, back in the Czarist era. I hope Dan and Margaret let me know before next Tuesday which runner-up prize they'd prefer. Once again, have a healthy and inky new year, and may you be inscribed in the Book of Laff.